dreams aren't what they used to be

oh_help @ 2005-08-31T22:22:00

2005-08-31T21:31:21Z

hello again! i meant to update earlier but i've been a bit rubbish. sorry.

well, pete and myself went off to sunny wales (aha) to stay with pete's parents for a few weeks. lovely lovely family, and oh the food. and the rain. but it was fun, and we shared the little guest room - guess who slept on the floor..

and back_by_sunday, she interrogated pete! thankyou ashley very very much, now i know he isn't repelled. which is nice.. so ta, yet again.

and on many people's advice we are hosting a party this friday. should be hell. i joke, however badly, and it should be fun really.

i hope you're all great! i've been commenting but not enough. i've been slacking, sorry.

going awaayyy!

2005-08-03T13:58:54Z

amazingly rushed entry just to say i'm going to be away for about 2 weeks - holiday! i'm typing this amidst a frantic chaotic packing session with pete and he's having a go because i've left him to sort out the CDs (ha) on his own... but just so you guys know, that's why i won't be commenting/updating until about the 17th. i hope you're all having a good summer!

reasons to be cheerful.

2005-07-30T19:32:15Z

i bought the razorlight album at last today! it was one of those things you really want but constantly forget. or does that just happen to me? most likely. i have a memory worse than a decorative rug.

christian has recently been a perfectly ordinary human being! amazing!

school's finished. for a while. but still, it's the principle of having no work for a good 5 weeks straight that really matters, isn't it?

i got me a saturday job, and it's not bad.

on a slight downer.. when you have the hots for your best friend and they don't have a clue, what do you do?

but i'm going to overlook that, because you should never meet trouble halfway and i don't intend to.

how's everyone? i know i always ask that, but i'm always wanting to know what's happened since the last update... humour the poor boy, please!

oh_help @ 2005-07-09T09:53:00

2005-07-09T08:53:35Z

i've been away for ages.... so i'm desperately behind on commenting. i hope no one deleted me from their friends list in my absence.

i don't know if you lot really know about what happened in london, but it was scary. thankfully all the people i know are okay.. they're all really lucky, so am i, i wasn't that close. and it really hits you, when things are a little closer to home.

i hope you're all well. what's been happening with you guys?

i never seem to use this bit.

2005-05-29T17:06:10Z

i'm single again.. what a long relationship that was! he took it really well, he said he wasn't sure about it either. i was so relieved.

i'm sorry about not commenting! it's just that what with breaking up with elyes, revising, sitting exams and having a mighty go at christian i've been a bit busy...

i pretty much told christian that he has to stop playing with people's emotions and to shut up so that people can get a word in edgeways once in a while. it was very dramatic, haha. i couldn't help myself, i was so sick of him spreading rumours and trying to get off with anything with 2 legs that i had to tell him. next mission: to find out his sexual leanings - changing from gay to straight overnight and then back again whilst denying bisexuality is quite an achievement, even for him!

i'm not going to be commenting as much as i would like to because i still have revising and exams to do, but i'm going to try harder.

oh_help @ 2005-05-14T17:35:00

2005-05-14T16:41:09Z

i haven't been online for quite a while because some stuff's been going on..

well, i'm now officially going out with elyes - but i think i've made a mistake, i don't think i like him in that way anymore.. and i don't know what to do... i'm so fucking stupid! because he's a nice guy so i don't want to be horrible to him, but i don't think we should stay together. i don't know if i just said yes because he's one of the few gay guys i know, and although i'm bi i tend to swing a bit more to the male way. or however you'd like to put it.

argh.

i suppose at least we're not married, haha.

how are you all? i'll comment later once i've done this damn revision.

oh_help @ 2005-04-29T20:05:00

2005-04-29T19:13:55Z

i really would reply to previous comments and actually do some other commenting but i have a somewhat urgent posting matter...

i have a friend called tom, and a friend called emily. the friend called emily has (well, had) a boyfriend. but tom and emily ended up making out for ages the other day - and now the boyfriend has dumped emily. i asked tom if he and emily were going out and he said not officially, but they are still keeping up with the whole making out thing. even though i told him it would be a horrible thing to do.

1. i don't know how to act towards them! i don't know the boyfriend (well, ex-boyfriend, i guess) but i feel so sorry for him. i feel like i should hate tom and emily but they're meant to be my mates.
2. what? not officially going out, but still making out? what?

i love you all, i just needed a vent... aaargh...

oh_help @ 2005-04-26T17:30:00

2005-04-26T16:36:47Z

i missed my bus.

look what deathbeat made me! my new icon.. well she didn't say it was for my icon usage. but MUAHA.

i've started to get very depressed about my singleness and paranoid about people preferring others to me. *sobs* and getting behind in work and everything. arrrgh.

i had flu as well. uuugh..

but it could be worse. count your blessings and all that..

the caesars are on! whoo..

do you ever get that feeling that when someone compliments you, they don't mean it?

oh_help @ 2005-04-22T19:27:00

2005-04-22T18:42:22Z

hellooo everyone...

off commenting in a minute. this is just an 'i'm not dead' announcement, i suppose.

how are you all? i need a random question... err.. how about several?

what's your favourite theme tune?
what's your view on the jackson trial?
do you prefer green or blue?
orange or black?
toast or bread?
who do you like (in an oooOOooh, like sort of way)?

i'm a bit bored... orrr boring.. depends on your view, i suppose. aha.

met pete's cousin of 4 years old yesterday, called elliot. adorable little kid, curly blond hair and green eyes. he looked nothing like pete but i cousins don't usually resemble each other, do they?

oh_help @ 2005-04-11T21:13:00

2005-04-11T20:40:06Z

i got an a* on my history! yay... ahh, simple things please simple minds. so my history teacher must be a simple man. hardehar.

i went to a gig. it was rubbish. but i met some new people (a guy called elyes particularly springs to mind, haha), so it wasn't a total loss.

also, i tried to pretty up my lj. as in, make it less scabby.

hope you're all well!

oh_help @ 2005-04-05T21:07:00

2005-04-05T20:50:13Z

i'm sorry everyone that i haven't been commenting and posting or even being generally online at all but to put it in terms typical of lj, i've been having a seriously bad time of it. which is overdramatic, but never mind.

christian has been telling people that ross and i have been secretly together for a while. which would be hilarious if it wasn't so annoying - i was worried he'd convinced people but thankfully not most. i guess it was just a childish prank, but.. it was still painfully annoying.

then i got in contact with an old friend but it turns out she's a homophobe anyway.

after this, ed spilt coffee over my history coursework notes and christian told me that he'd always hated me. so really, it was grand. i wouldn't have taken what christian said to heart if i was in a normal mood - he says that stuff to everyone - but it was all a bit much.

sorry, but i needed a vent. i'll comment on everyone's lovely ljs tomorrow, hope you're all well!

oh_help @ 2005-03-26T10:32:00

2005-03-26T18:36:57Z

it's back_by_sunday's birthday in 2 days, and ed's next month. and my cousin's is in.. about 2 weeks, i think. oh, it's all go.

also, vegetarian chicken nuggets are genius, and polos are works of art in themselves.

my mood isn't actually devious, i just wanted to put it.

i don't really know why i posted. never mind!

oh_help @ 2005-03-26T06:29:00

2005-03-26T14:36:22Z

run away!

What is your name?: mike
Are you named after anyone?: thankfully not, no
Would you name a child of yours after you?: good god, no!
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?: according to the mum, jessica. i dunno, it’s not really me…
If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?: any of my friends’ names! mike. can't stand it.. on boy terms, probably pete. on girl terms, amanda.
Are there any mispronunciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?: nope
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?: no. ‘mike’ probably wouldn’t get me far.
Your gender: male, apparently
Straight/Gay/Bi: bi
Single?: yeah. painfully so, haha
If not, do you want to be?: i'm not sure
Birth date: 12th october, 1987
Your age: 17
Age you act: 11
Age you wish you were: 5. or 59. same thing.
Your height: oh, i don’t know.. about 5’8/9”? something like that
Eye color: green
Happy with it?: nah, what’s up with the lack of.. purple
Hair color: brown
Happy with it?: it’s a bit boring.. but it could be worse
ambidextrous:: yes
Have any pets?: oh, no. accidental death to any animal that enters this house, most likely, so it’s only kind to keep them away
Whats your job?: i don’t have one. used to work at argos – hell on earth…
Piercings?: none
Tattoos?: none
Obsessions?: people and their emotions
Addictions?: the internet. aaand carrot sticks. rock and roll or what?
Do you speak another language?: no. someone attempted to force german and french on me once AT THE SAME TIME. the trauma! and i attempted to teach myself japanese but failed miserably.
Have a favorite quote?: hey, i'm a simpleton. not likely. although that said, i saw a slogan for creme eggs the other day; ‘licky sticky happy’. hardehar.
Do you have a webpage?: no. technoeejit here.
Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it: deep thoughts? me? oh hahaha. damn my unphilosophical mind. hmm… to quote a fortune cookie! “your thoughts are what brought you to where you are today, and they will take you where you want to be tomorrow”
Do you live in the moment?: i have been known to, just.. not much!
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: yeah
Do you have any secrets?: oh yes. that, and i'm a spy
Do you hate yourself?: sometimes
Do you like your handwriting?: no. it scrawls
Do you have any bad habits?: oh, the old fingernail thing..
What is the compliment you get from most people?: that i'm nice… it sounds better when said, haha
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?: mike… the moo
What's your biggest fear?: water. i'm hydrophobic and it’s damn annoying.
Can you sing?: no. and i wouldn’t, for the safety of those around me!
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: noo.. i gave up on cool long ago
Are you a loner?: i used to be. now i'm not exactly popular, but i ok..
What are your #1 priorities in life?: other people
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: strange question, this. yes. i'm a delicate little lamb, haha
Are you a daredevil?: not really
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: oh, naturally
Are you passive or aggressive?: mostly passive, but occassionally i lose it a bit. must seem scary to others, hehe
Do you have a journal?: no, i'm just filling this out for my own pure glee

What is your greatest strength and weakness?: umm… creative dooleys, and other people, haha
Do you think you are emotionally strong?: i think people think i am
Is there anything you regret doing in life?: i have yet to meet someone with no regrets
Do you think life has been good so far?: yes. i know that things could be so much worse, even when i'm in a crap mood
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: er.. soldier on. ha.
What do you like the most about your body?: my eyes, probably
And least?: my nose! argh
Do you think you are good looking?: no
Are you confident?: no
What is the fictional character you are most like?: the clock from beauty and the beast. oh yes.
Are you perceived wrongly?: i don’t know how i'm perceived

Do You...

Smoke?: no. i did once. it was horrible.. never again!
Do drugs?: no
Read the newspaper?: no
Talk to strangers who IM you?: yes. out of curiosity. then comes the harassment, aha</b>
Sleep with stuffed animals?: no. i used to, but now they sit on a shelf because… i'm cool. mm.
Take walks in the rain?: yes. usually i don’t have a choice! but in the right mood, it’s nice.
Talk to people even though you hate them?: yeah
Like to drive fast?: me driving a car? think of the innocent pedestrians

Would or Have You Ever?

Liked your voice?: never thought about it. it's just normal.
Hurt yourself?: yes
Been out of the country?: yeah. france, germany. rebel, me
Eaten something that made other people sick?: not that i can think of..
Been in love?: yes
Gone skinny dipping?: no. wouldn’t want to strike fear into passers by
Had a medical emergency?: no
Had surgery?: no, luckily
Ran away from home?: nooo!
Played strip poker?: it wasn’t strip poker…
Gotten beaten up?: yes
Beaten someone up?: no
Been picked on?: yes
Been on stage?: not professionally and i hadn’t unprofessionally. the pure terror!
Slept outdoors?: yes
Thought about suicide?: no
Pulled an all nighter?: yes
Gone one day without food?: no. i couldn’t! i'm a pig.
Talked on the phone all night?: no, phone conversations like that can be awkward
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex: yes
Slept all day?: no, i don’t sleep much
Killed someone?: no!
Made out with a stranger?: it was spin the bottle. they were.. rubbish
Had sex with a stranger?: no
Thought you're going crazy?: yes
Kissed the same sex?: yes. rawr
Done anything sexual with the same sex?: no. i'm too nervy all the time, haha
Been betrayed?: yeah. most people have, surely?
Had a dream that came true?: no
Broken the law?: i don’t think so
Met a famous person?: no. *sobs*
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: no. at least, not that i know of!
On purpose?:
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?: yes, once or twice, but i meant well
Stolen anything?: once i accidentally strolled out of a shop with the nme without paying but i realised and went back in. stupid mike. they gave me the weirdest looks
Been on radio/tv?: radio! whoo
Been in a mosh-pit?: yes. i discovered i suffered from panic attacks then. it was a horrible experience
Had a nervous breakdown?: once
Bungee jumped?: no. i'm a wuss
Had a dream that kept coming back?: yes. it was horrible

Beliefs

Believe in life on other planets?: well it’s been proven, hasn’t it? unless i made that up.. which i might have… never mind
Miracles?: yeah
Astrology?: i like to
Magic?: i don’t know
God?: i have to, otherwise i'd be a bit of a wreck
Satan?: now that i don’t know
Santa?: aha
Ghosts?: yeah
Luck?: yes
Love at first sight?: no. i can’t stand that
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?: yeah. we wouldn’t recognise it otherwise
Witches?: yes
Easter bunny?: no
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?: of course!
Believe there's a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?: yeah, i found one once. it was great, i gambled with it and won a pony
Do you wish on stars?: no. but i think i will now

Deep Theological Questions

Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?: i don’t think i do, maybe not in a physical way anyway
Do you think God has a gender?: what a question
Do you believe in organized religion?: no
Where do you think we go when we die?: i have no clue, maybe we stay in our own minds, and make it seem like heaven/hell?

Friends

Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: apparently
Who is your best friend?: pete. and in the internet world, my lj pals
Who's the one person that knows most about you?: pete. and my mother. ha
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?: keep trying. oh, the cheese
Your favorite inside joke?: ’how will he hide his eyes? what about his nose? what about his nipples?’ – am i not cool… oh, and of course ‘am i not bling?’. damn pikeys, hehe
Thing you're picked on most about?: being a friend to some certain people
Who's your longest known friend?: christian, unfortunately
Last person you talked to online?: amanda. oh the wonderful lj world
Who do you talk to most online?: the internet people.. those on lj, mostly
Who are you on the phone with most?: my phone, it has died
Who do you trust most?: i trust most people
Who do you fight most with?: christian
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?: oh but of course!
Who's your second family?: er…
Do you always feel understood?: not always

Love and All That

Do you consider love a mistake?: no. you can learn from it, even if it doesn’t turn out right
What do you find romantic?: suuunshine
First kiss?: a girl called jayne. she moved away
If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?: bad
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going out: it can be helpful.. but then also awkward, if you break up
Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy out: didn’t know it wasn’t really, haha
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive: oh yes!
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?: i don’t want to think about it!
What is best about the opposite sex?: it changes
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?: see above
What's the last present someone gave you?: it was a CD, from ross
Are you in love?: no

Who Was the Last Person...

That haunted you?: george washington, i think it was
That you laughed at: ross
That laughed at you?: pete. i can’t catch…
That turned you on?: what a racey thing to say
You went shopping with?: i haven’t been shopping for ages, can’t remember
That broke your heart?: no one
To make you cry?: christian. bastard! um… i mean.. i don’t cry!
That you thought about?: christian. all because of your last question!
You talked to on the phone?: my mum
You saw?: pete
Are you going out?: oh if only!
What are you wearing right now?: jeans, t-shirt.. it’s very exciting stuff
Body part you're touching right now: well my feet are touching each other, the sexual beasts
What are you worried about right now?: my history essay. argh
What book are you reading?: perdido street station
What's on your mouse pad?: i have no mousepad. i feel deprived
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling: bored. restless. lethargic. chewy. rubbery.
Are you bored?: i suppose you think that’s very funny
Are you talking to anyone online?: no. so looonesome
Are you talking to anyone on the phone?: i'm not quite that multi-tasking
Are you lonely or content?: content
Are you listening to music?: radio, yes
If yes, what?: madness are on now

oh_help @ 2005-03-19T11:42:00

2005-03-19T11:49:37Z

we're having a heatwave. completely random. but it's nice, all warm and sunny, and it smells like cut grass now. reminds me of when i was little. pete likes it too, you can tell, he spent ages this morning sitting under the tree outside the front. i sat with him for a while. i know i should've been doing work but it seemed like a waste of time then, does now. i think he wants to go play tennis later, at the courts about 10 minutes away. i think i might go, why not..

oh, the romance! haha. i wish.

how're the rest of you? is it sunny where you are?

oh_help @ 2005-03-11T17:15:00

2005-03-11T17:45:30Z

ugh. i'm not well. it's no fun, especially when you have 2 history essays to do, and a certain someone keeps turning up unannounced for no reason and doesn't even spare a 'get well soon' type wish... but then wants constant advice about people without names or ties to anything at all.

my birthday's in 7 months. it felt like i didn't have a birthday last year, i can't remember any of it. which can't be a good thing.

i would like to know everyone's favourite...

colour:
movie:
tv show:
food:
place to be:
animal, and why:
phrase:

because i'm nosey.

yes i know this entry was random. but nothing's been happening and i felt something needed to be put, even if it was as inane as that.

i would also like an analysis of the word 'inane'. if possible.

insert witty introduction here

2005-03-03T22:52:31Z

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF...
» I committed suicide:
» I said I liked you:
» I kissed you:
» I lived next door to you:
» I started smoking:
» I stole something:
» I was hospitalized:
» I ran away from home:
» I got into a fight and you weren't there:

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY..?

» Personality:
» Eyes:
» Face:
» Hair:
» Clothes:
» Mannerisms:

[1] Who are you?
[2] Are we friends?
[3] When and how did we meet?
[4] How have I affected you?
[5] What do you think of me?
[6] What's the fondest memory you have of me?
[7] How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
[8] Do you love me?
[9] Have I ever hurt you?
[10] Would you hug me?
[11] Would you kiss me?
[12] Would you fuck me?
[13] Are we close?
[14] Emotionally, what stands out?
[15] Do you wish I was cooler?
[16] On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
[17] Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
[18] Am I loveable?
[19] How long have you known me?
[20] Describe me in one word.
[21] What was your first impression?
[22] Do you still think that way about me now?
[23] What do you think my weakness is?
[24] Do you think I'll get married?
[25] What about me makes you happy?
[26] What about me makes you sad?
[27] What reminds you of me?
[28] What's something you would change about me?
[29] How well do you know me?
[30] Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
[31] Do you think I would kill someone?
[32] Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?

oh_help @ 2005-02-28T18:53:00

2005-02-28T19:17:15Z

and so we have... the dreaded talk. ohh, the fear.

well, he was apologising a lot but for what never really became clear. there was a distinct lack of volume which was somewhat annoying and he was very distracted, but then he said he was having problems with his girlfriend which seemd a pretty good excuse to me, so i comforted appropriately although he's never seemed that attached, let's be honest. then he said thanks, and whatever, and goes!

vaguely odd but never mind, because the exit made me laugh a confused laugh later on.

it snowed! blizzards. aha. i made a snowman with pete. it was fun, but i couldn't feel my fingers. ouch.

how are you all? interesting happenings/fascinating facts/hot people pictures fully welcomed.

oh_help @ 2005-02-25T17:09:00

2005-02-25T17:34:40Z

mostly pointless entry but i felt it was necessary.

well, i got aim with a crappy name (mikethepebble) because there were no decent ones left... but at least i have some form of communication now, other than email.

in other news, i saw christian round at the newsagents, and the conversation went:

christian: hi
mike: *spazz* aghhhhello
christian: i think we need to talk
mike: oh? do you? well, it's... err... i have no problems, something up?
christian: tomorrow?
mike: mmm yeah, well no. well.. i think i'm busy, yeah, maybe another time, i mean you're around all the time... haha... and i think it's practise on saturday so maybe then... nothing to talk about anyway, hahahaHAHA *runs*

obviously not verbatim but basically the same, and it was pretty traumatising. and i dealt with it that badly. i wanted to buy the nme but was too scared and left without it... damn christian and his frightening 'talks', who knows what he wants to talk about? he may be wily bastard pervert extraordinaire but i hope he's okay.

oh_help @ 2005-02-16T19:40:00

2005-02-16T19:58:32Z

i think i'm getting too.. kind of laid back, i dunno. too much of a walkover. this is how i ended up sleeping on the sofa yesterday so that ross could get a decent night's sleep! well, apparently he hadn't slept at all... it was weird, i woke up and christian was on the other sofa. evidently pete let him in to sleep, which is kind of odd in itself. i'm not making much sense but still.

oh god, apparently ross was at it with his girlfriend round her house and he accidentally said mike.. seriously bad slip of the tongue! she wasn't too pleased of course, poor ross. i've never had the problem myself which is quite strange as i'm so disastrous... i'm glad they're still together though - she's amazingly annoying whichever way you look at it but he's a great bloke, really he deserves better.

pointless entry. maybe i should make my journal more presentable, if i can be bothered...

oh_help @ 2005-02-08T20:49:00

2005-02-08T21:11:05Z

well, after not seeing ross for a fair while he arrives at out doorstep today to 'crash'. he doesn't seem to be shifting at all. i don't mind to be honest, he's a good friend, and i'd rather him than christian. it was just a bit strange because he doesn't seem the type. he's going to be having a sleeping bag in my room. the action! haha...

speaking of christian, no-one's sure on his sexual standing anymore. or partner standing for that matter! i mean, ed still thought it was me and him. no no no. i wasn't fully keen in the first place, his mood swings throw you totally out of synch... but i wasn't even sure it was a 'thing'. anyway. so we've seen him with a lot of lady friends but we know he's had the odd guy relationship, and he's always insisted he's gay. pete says it's relief but he must have one hell of a sex drive because i've heard him... relieve by his own hand as well a LOT, and i can tell you it's a very strange experience. i won't share what he says, but i found it somewhat disturbing! what was i talking about, anyway? ah well. and apparently i don't talk enough about girls to be bi. honestly! i have to completely perv over people to prove they're attractive to me. i don't know. and then this complete twat that ed knows, alex or adam or something, says that i can't be gay because i'm not feminine. what? that is just... stupid... i mean, yes i'm not gay but you don't have to be totally camp. it's not compulsory. gah.

pointless entry. oh well. i'm going to have some hot chocolate with ross, because i'm just that exciting. if anyone has anything interesting to add in a comment then please do!

oh_help @ 2005-02-05T12:26:00

2005-02-05T12:31:08Z

today, pete said that peter doherty and carlos barât know what they're doing onstage.

if you're not aware, their performances involve a lot of sexual tension, ahahahaaaa. this is what he's referring to.

i know that the libertines have split up and that it is depressing but my god i can tell you, my head almost exploded. ah. pete is one of the gayest straight people i know.

oh_help @ 2005-01-30T18:48:00

2005-01-30T18:58:11Z

ugh, i don't think i can take christian for much longer. he's such a wanker. i try to be reasonable, but no! he's here for a while yet. and he doesn't look happy about it. then again, he never looks happy, and when he smiles it looks stretched, a strained action.

anyway!

we've got the band round, obviously, and liam, jack, some guys with those sorts of middle-ish names. tom, there's another one. and they're all bringing drinks. it wasn't my idea, i am the emotional drunk after all (or so i'm told, i just remember being happy) and it will only end in tears - we only have a few bottles so that would've been ok.

ah well, i'll just have to resist temptation.

i want to go commenting! i'm seriously going to try now. glued to my computer, me.

oh_help @ 2005-01-19T18:21:00

2005-01-19T18:28:46Z

i haven't posted for a while because nothing's happened that's worth mentioning. now, though, i am so disturbed by myself that i think i'll put my little story here to feel better.. or something...

well, until i was 15 i insisted i was totally straight, but a couple of months after my birthday i met a guy, who told me he was gay. obviously i knew i could like guys but i hadn't really thought about it until then, and it struck me that the idea was a very, very good one. but then again, i thought, i like girls... so obviously bi seemed to be the way! it worked out well, hehe. but then it all went a bit wrong. and it involves my best friend pete.

can you guess what's coming next?

so basically, yeah, i seem to have developed a random attraction to him. of course this is annoying, because it's such an awkward situation, especially since we're so close. also, i don't know his preference, which makes it all the more difficult.

i hope everyone's well, by the way! i'm off commenting because i've been slacking for absolutely ages.

oh_help @ 2005-01-07T14:06:00

2005-01-07T14:10:01Z

this morning was so odd. i found christian on pete's bed with a random girl he invited to practise last night. don't get me wrong, i don't mind him being interested in people other than me - in fact it makes things a lot less complicated - but it was weird, because he told us he was gay. unless this was an amazingly feminine guy. he apologised to me but i'm not entirely sure why.

after all, it was pete's bed.

oh_help @ 2005-01-06T18:25:00

2005-01-06T18:29:03Z

i really can't figure anything out at the moment. i know that sounds melodramatic but i think it needs to.

of course, everyone's aware of the tsunami and the huge destruction called by it, and it's really made me think. it's also made everything so much more sensitive. it's on far bigger a scale than i can comprehend, especially since i'm lucky enough not to be affected by it, but i know it's an awful event. i saw some satellite pictures today and that's when it really hit me. all those people, on boxing day, one minute totally content with their families and the next, being beaten back by a huge rush of sea.

also, a really good friend of mine's upset and i can't seem to help them, i really want to but i can't and they can't talk to me. it's also something i don't understand. i hope they know i want to help them.